I’ll Never Get Facebook Messenger

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Facebook-Messenger-Application-PhoneIf you’re using the Facebook Messenger app, you’re making a huge mistake! Since asking its users to download the mobile app in order to message on the go, Facebook has revamped its permissions policy. The sinister mobile messaging app now has complete control over your phone. Facebook can access all of your valuable information. It even demands use of your camera and microphone. Espionage! Wire tapping! This manipulative service is part of a devious plot to mine data and track your every move! Unless it’s not.

That’s right, it turns out the permissions policy is virtually the same as it was before the great migration. In fact, it asks for the same permissions as the standard Facebook application. This is another classic case of consumer overreaction based on inaccurate media reports. Don’t get me wrong though, I stand by my opening claim.

I don’t use the Facebook Messenger application. Not because I’m afraid of spies, but because I disagree with the principle for which the app stands. The thing functions alright. It’s less unwieldy than typing messages within the normal Facebook app. However, it’s incredibly patronizing to see a message notification while perusing the regular Facebook app, only to be denied access to said message and prompted to download Messenger. And if you do download Messenger and happen to message someone who has remained steadfast in their solidarity, you’re strongly encouraged to invite them to the app. It’s a pyramid scheme! Are we blind?

Downloading the Facebook Messenger app is akin to increasing your carbon footprint. By accepting the status quo, people fail to see the consequences of their actions. Soon, the ozone layer will be damage beyond repair. It’s projected that the migration from Facebook to the dedicated Messenger app is only the first step in the unbundling of Facebook’s services. Like the Google dashboard, Facebook is expected to continue divvying up its startups and acquisitions into separate applications. This increases switching between apps, reducing functionality. Additionally, downloading more applications consumes more memory on the phone and causes it to run slower. Is that what you want!?

The only way to reverse or even slow this process is with backlash. Messenger’s app store rating is up to three stars now, a huge jump from the initial one star rating it received upon release. This means we’re giving in. I beg you all to stay strong. Use alternatives. How about GroupMe? GroupMe’s cool! The app let’s you give yourself a fun nickname in each individual conversation. That’s neat, right? Please, don’t make me download Facebook Messenger. I don’t care if all my friends have it. I don’t care if I’m in the minority. This is about a princi— okay fine, I’ll do it.

Danny Neely

Danny Neely

Danny Neely is a Kansas State grad living in Dallas. He likes writing, comedy, and evaluating media.

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